


Spring, Summer, Fall, Winter

by Ghost_Writer



Series: Thinking of him [2]
Category: Swimming RPF
Genre: Angst, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-03-10
Updated: 2013-03-10
Packaged: 2017-12-04 21:13:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,570
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/715157
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ghost_Writer/pseuds/Ghost_Writer
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>I can’t remember the last time we kissed, because I never thought it would be the last time. I didn’t think I needed to remember. If I knew it had been our last kiss I would have never let the kiss end.  </p><p>365 days of missing him. </p><p> </p><p>Sequel to Sometimes, Never, Always</p>
            </blockquote>





	Spring, Summer, Fall, Winter

**Author's Note:**

> Very angsty.

**Winter**

I can’t remember the last time we kissed, because I never thought it would be the last time. I didn’t think I needed to remember. If I knew it had been our last kiss I would have never let the kiss end. But one never knows when will be the last time.

It must have been a snowing all day, it was below freezing point.  He had a cold but him being him he wouldn’t calm down and sit it out. He had been coughing up his lungs all day and had run out of cough syrup. He wanted to go and get some, I tried to stop him. But in the years we had been together I knew that even I couldn’t change his mind about something. “I am fine babes, stop worrying” he had said putting on his coat and shoes. I will see you later he said with a wicked smile. I never thought that later I would see him but he would never see me. I never should have let him go out.

I lie in bed, I can’t kick the image of him lying there in the funeral home. His face pale, no sign of life, no sign of him. I had leaned into him and whispered “Wake up Babes” but he didn’t.  He will never wake up again. I feel my mum pull me away forcing me to take a drink of water. I can’t I am shaking too hard to hold the cup.

His mum arranges his funeral, I can’t, I won’t. Not because I don’t love him because I can’t let him go.

I close my eyes as they lower the coffin into the ground. I don’t want that memory of him I want the happy and alive memory of him. 

My mum pulls me into a hug as we walk towards the car. “It is tough but you will get through this” she tells me helping me steady myself. I am crying so hard I feel like my legs could give way at any moment. Her words hurt me, how am I going to get through this. What we had was special, it wasn’t to be touched, to be seen or tasted. It was special, a _one of a kind_ kind of thing.  No-one understood it, except us. If no one understood it when he was alive then no-one could ever understood it now he was gone.

 

**Spring**

Days go by slowly, it feels like years since I last seen him. Life has gone on no matter how hard I try and stop it, the winter is turning into spring not even realizing he is gone and that I want it to stay winter forever. Cause it was in the winter were I was last happy.

My mum tries to get me out of the house, but I won’t leave. I want to pretend he is still at the shop and he will be back anytime soon. He won’t I know he won’t but I don’t know if I could deal with the pain if I admit he is gone.

His sister visits me and drags me out of the house, we go to the shops. You need fresh air, this is not what he would want. “How the hell would you know what he wanted” I yell. Cliché I know but I knew him better than she ever did. People give me funny looks, some of pity and some just stare. Apparently the whole gaining weight and not shaving does that. I wander aimlessly after her. She tries to get me to buy some new clothes for spring. I just shake my head.  I have started wearing his clothes, they have lost his smell but it is the only thing that is left of him that I can hold near.

I stop in front of a shop, he would love that I think to myself as I pull out my mobile and hit speeddial. The phone rings and rings but he doesn’t answer. I get his voice mail and I drop the phone out of my hands. It is the first time since that day that I hear his voice. It cuts through me like a knife.

The days are the worst, at night I can pretend he is still lying next to me asleep. But during the day I have to deal with people asking me how I am, if I need anything and what I am going to do now.

His wedding ring is on my nightstand, I can’t take mine off. I remember when he gave it to me. He wanted a spring wedding I gave in after months of him whining. Either way I didn’t care. I just wanted to marry him, he even wanted to take my name.  

  
I wear the two rings he gave me during our time together that was cruelly cut short; one as a promise to love me for the rest of my life, the other he gave me 4 years after our wedding, I once joked he never gave me an engagement ring when he proposed. It was simple but it was his way of proposing we should have kids.  We had just found a surrogate when he died. Everything was set to go.

Tomorrow would have been our 6th wedding anniversary, each year we would see who could get the other the most ridiculous anniversary gift. It was 3-2 to him, I had already bought the perfect gift in November, hiding it at my mums in case he found it. I will never know if he would like it.

His mum wanted me to go to his grave but I couldn’t, I hadn’t been back since his funeral. I know one day I would but for now I needed to remember him the way he was for me to survive. 

 

**Summer**

6 months since his death. Somewhere along the way the days had turned into weeks and the weeks into months. I stopped trying to keep everything the way it was. I still wonder why he was taken away from me, I still lie in my bed crying wondering what we did wrong for this to happen to us. I still haven’t found the answer.

 It will be his birthday soon, I try not to dwell on it too long. I don’t want to be around my family (I still see his family as mine because deep down inside I know they are the closest thing I have to him) on his birthday. His mum wants to celebrate it. “What is the point” I ask “It is not like he is here to enjoy it.” “In memory of him” she replies. I want to scream at her that this isn’t the memory I want of him. But I know she too is finding it hard to keep it together. I kiss her on the cheek. I promise her I will come.

 I plan a couple of swimclinics to keep me distracted and stop me from counting down the days. Even take Nathan with me to keep me company.

We sit in the bar and drink, can’t remember the last time I drank. The alcohol takes possession of me after my second beer. Nathan is a good kid, not asking me how I am or wanting to talk about what happened. He gives me space. I lead him to my room, I don’t know why I just need a release.  Nathan lets me fuck him, he is so drunk I am not sure he even knows that I only want to fuck him so I can pretend he is someone else. When he screams my name the bubble breaks and I come crashing back down. He never screamed my name when he came.

I spent the entire flight home crying, Nathan doesn’t know why. He doesn’t remember much of last night. That or he is pretending not to remember.  I feel like I have cheated. Feeling like I have done my marriage wrong.  I don’t know anymore, without him I am not alive I am just surviving day to day. Counting the hours till I can go to bed.It is the days I am still the loneliest.

His birthday comes and I am standing in his backyard surrounded by friends and family. All talking about him, sharing their favorite memory of him They ask me what mine is. “How can I pick just one” I ask. “The day I met him” I finally reply. They squeeze my shoulder. “he really loved you” his sister says. “I still love him” I say wiping my eyes trying to hide the tears and I know that he isn’t here to love me back.

The truth is I can pick my favorite memory of him. It is not the day we met, the day we got engaged or the day we got married but what started out as an ordinary Tuesday during training. But by the next morning I was a different person. It was the first time we slept together, neither of us were virgins but both of use were nervous. I didn’t think he got nervous.  It was terrible, we both laughed at how terrible it was. “It doesn’t matter” he whispered into my ear “I love you” he said bringing his face to mine “that’s all that matters”. And with those three words he became my life.  

**Fall**

The leaves start changing color. And I know that I have to start changing too. The seasons are moving on yet again. I don’t want to move on because moving on means forgetting him, moving on means acting like he never existed.

I decided to try and do some swimming, alone. I don’t want to be with anyone right now. I am isolating myself from everyone who loves me. But the smell of chlorine reminds me of him. It hurts, the smell that I use to love is now my kryptonite. Chlorine is him and will always be him.

I return home, to an empty house. Mum has taken the dogs, seeing as I don’t even take care of myself she decided it was for the best. I didn’t even care when she took them away.

I fill the bath to the brim. I lower myself into the bath, submerging myself completely. I miss him, I want this to be over. I start to feel light headed; this is for the best. I close my eyes waiting for it to be over but then I feel someone pulling me back to the surface, where everything in my life is broken and faded.

And for a moment I hate them for doing so.

“What were you trying to do” I see my sister standing next to the bath. I don’t reply. In truth I don’t really know what I was trying to do. I didn’t want to die, not really but I don’t want to go on either.   “Please don’t tell anyone” I say drying myself and getting dressed. “I can’t” she replies. I know she is right. It is time I start dealing with this.

My mum doesn't know what to say when she finds out what happens. I just stare at the wall and listen to her cry. I caused her this pain, i feel guilty. I know what that pain feels like and now i was inflicting it onto someone else. I hug her and promise her I won't do it again. I hope i can live up to that promise.

My therapist is allright. She doesn't make me talk about what has happend. During one of our sessions I aks her if he would be angry at me if I moved on. "I don't know, but i think he would be upset if you didn't". It is then that it hits me, this isn't going to bring him back, this is just hurting me and the people who love me.

I fall a sleep later that night, it is the first night since the accident that i don't cry myself to sleep, it is a small step but it is the first of many.

**Winter**

It started to snow early this year. Earlier than most years.  The roads get icy and I panic every time I go out. I have my last session with my therapist today. I started seeing her a week after the bath incident. I don’t talk about that day with her. We talk about how I feel, I was never big on talking about feelings, i have finally faced my demons.

I feel different. I feel like I can cope with him not being here anymore. I still miss him, I still think about him every day but I know this is not what he would want. I start training again, even if it is just to lose some weight and get out of the house. My mum says she can see me come back again. I have cleaned out my house, keeping things from him that mean the most, giving stuff to family and friends and giving the rest to charity.  I give his medals to his nieces and nephews because they meant the world to him.

My life is getting back on track and I know in a few days it will be the anniversary of his death. I feel like I can handle it, I am starting to live again.

It has been a year, 365 days since he died. 365 days since I last heard his laugh. They say time heals all scars. I learnt that that isn’t true but I have learnt to live with my scars. I go to his grave, the first time since he was buried. I look at his head stone. “Hi babes, sorry it took me so long” I whisper.  There is no reply, I knew there wouldn’t be.

As I stand at his grave I remember the last time we kissed. It was in our bathroom, I was heading off to the gym. He looked so adorable all sick and everything. He pulled me into a kiss and I returned it. “I love you Mike” he whispered breaking the kiss “I love you too” I replied leaning in for another kiss.  I never thought it would be the last time we kissed but I know now that he knew that I loved him.

The wind blows through my hair and chills me to the bone. I know now that moving on doesn’t mean I forget him, it just means I am honoring him by doing the stuff that he would want to do.  

_*******_

_It took me a while to get to the point where I was brave enough to go through with this choice. His mum was so happy, back then we decided we didn’t want to know who the father could be but I knew that I this was a way of honoring him. I now have something , someone to live for._

_He will never know his son, I found out that the surrogate was pregnant on our wedding anniversary.  I will tell him of about his father, about how amazing he was._

_I am moving on doing the things we wanted to do, we’re just not doing them together. But that’s alright because I know I will never forget him._

 

**Author's Note:**

> I had originally written ii from Ryan's pov but after re-reading it i thought it was more Michael thoughts that Ryan.
> 
> Feedback more than welcome.


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